Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

saving face 👀

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

January has been Januweary

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

Time heals everything 🙂

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A