@sara_ashlynn

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

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@AaronFullerton

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

@NewDadNotes

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

@beckyiniowa

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

@Jenny4ashley

Marijuana doesn’t kill your brain cells. You’re just an idiot.

@Smooheed

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

@charliecapen

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

@ThugRaccoons

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

@GrantTanaka

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

@titletown__

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.