Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

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PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.


Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.



If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.


Marijuana doesn’t kill your brain cells. You’re just an idiot.


*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*


Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones


Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.


Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.


her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it


I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.