Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
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Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Why I divorced her.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.