“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
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white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
real
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Uh oh…
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.