@Laser_Cat

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

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@pilau

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

@robdelaney

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

@stevevsninjas

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

@longwall26

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

@Vodkantots

It’s like 10 thousand spoons when all you need is a chainsaw.

@RachelNoise

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

@BigJDubz

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

@TheBoydP

The hardest part of being a dog is not understanding why squirrels don’t want to play with you.

@maddyalou

Feeling sick at work.
Subway to the bus-$5
Bus to commuter lot-$2
Puking in my car-$0
Guy in the car next to me puking in response-priceless