My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
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Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
This day in history. 1888. Police received the “From Hell” letter from Jack the Ripper threatening further monstrous attacks on the English language.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Marilyn Monroe sure got smart four decades after she died.
LMAOOOOO WHO TWEETED THIS?
Biden: I locked him in the bathroom, run!
Obama: Joe! You can’t…Give me the keys! Joe!