I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
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Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Noah
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
In Canada they just call them geese
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.