Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
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I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Duolingo getting serious.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge