Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
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Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower: