Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
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my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Do not levitate over flowers
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
ok like just. call me at this point
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.