I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
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Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Just a phase…
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami