your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
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*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.