Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
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The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Quadruple digit IQ
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
mentally somewhere in italy
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet