Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.

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[Quiz show]

Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”

Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”

Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”

Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”


Me: Maybe you can’t escape your past, but with the right shoes you CAN outrun your parole officer.

Nike Ad Exec: How did you get in here?

Me: Next slide please


I fill my pockets with glitter so when people ask me for money, I can turn them out to show that I’m broke, but still a little fancy.


You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products


Today’s lunch: Pan fried pork chops, cheesy hash brown casserole, peach cobbler, a quick defibrillation and two stents.


“Goodnight moon.”
*Moon takes out one earbud*
“No, Pepsi is not ok.”


[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?