Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
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In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Stonehinge
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.