Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
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When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
How to wake up a Beagle
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled