[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
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I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
What kind of a cult is this?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Monday Lisa
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
oppen heimer style lol
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.