Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
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A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.