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I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.


toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking


After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”

Now what do I do?


she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza


People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.


My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.


robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve


Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now


If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?


Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.