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The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy