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Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy


TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall


Just read “four years after pregnancy 38% of moms still were not drinking” I think it’s safe to say this survey was not done on Twitter.


Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.


Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.


Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?


Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.