@DearAuntAbby

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

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@cal_gif

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

@Brampersandon_

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

@BlondieBGbb

Just read “four years after pregnancy 38% of moms still were not drinking” I think it’s safe to say this survey was not done on Twitter.

@krissywillbretz

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

@LeonEarlgrey

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

@3sunzzz

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

@TheMichaelRock

Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.