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“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.