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You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.