Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

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me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop


I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.


Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.


If a baby like Justin Bieber is the face of teen angst and rebellion, then we’ve bubble wrapped our kids too tight.


Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.


Definitely just forgot the word ‘menu’ and asked for a ‘map of the food’.


At the very highest level of karate, they give you pants that fit so you no longer need a belt.


I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.