@carlielyn

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

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@Skoogeth

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

@gorrdano

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

@Robert_Beau

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

@HeyZeus666

If a baby like Justin Bieber is the face of teen angst and rebellion, then we’ve bubble wrapped our kids too tight.

@hasht4g

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

@iamspacegirl

Definitely just forgot the word ‘menu’ and asked for a ‘map of the food’.

@juliussharpe

At the very highest level of karate, they give you pants that fit so you no longer need a belt.

@juliussharpe

I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.