Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
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WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
This is what makes twitter great
translated into Canadian
Why are bridges so flammable.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.