Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
You Might Also Like
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
“you recording!?”
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Happy Star Wars day!
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…