*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
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Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.