your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
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most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”