ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
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I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
how to have fun when you’re poor
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”