A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
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Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor