Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
You Might Also Like
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”