[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
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Boss: I’m following you on Twitter.
Me: Sweet! ‘Nother follower!
Me: Oh wait. Shit.
[baby is bouncing in swing seat]
I wish I had one of those.
They bring great joy.
I (to self)
Oh, he thinks I mean a baby.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
me: i’d like another bag of those goth grapes please
store clerk: *sighs* again sir they’re called olives
No one ever said life was easy, but several people said you were.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.