@drinksmcgee

Your coworkers when you walk through the office with doughnuts.

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@andlikelaura

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

@timdonakowski

Boss: I’m following you on Twitter.

Me: Sweet! ‘Nother follower!

[Days later]

Me: Oh wait. Shit.

@EamonToPlease

[baby is bouncing in swing seat]

I
I wish I had one of those.

HER DAD
They bring great joy.

I (to self)
Oh, he thinks I mean a baby.

@ilovepie84

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

@LuckoftheDraw86

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

@sonictyrant

me: i’d like another bag of those goth grapes please

store clerk: *sighs* again sir they’re called olives

@TheCiscoKidder

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

@WhatevaConc

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

@juneohara65

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.