Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
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Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.