Your coworkers when you walk through the office with doughnuts.

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Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel


*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*


*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*


Any girl can give you pics

I can give you a headache


Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck


I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO


One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday


Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?


Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.


I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.


My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.