“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
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I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*