your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
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me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
getting groceries
😩😩😩
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?