Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
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*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Twitter remains undefeated
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.