@SirEviscerate

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

You Might Also Like

@MarfSalvador

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

@psybermonkey

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

@batkaren

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

@ginnyhogan_

I had to break up with a guy because he told me I brought out the “best in him.” I was like wait – this is it?

@RichBeingRich

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

@envydatropic

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

@ClichedOut

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

@jackiembouvier

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

@skittle624

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

@jus4golf

Found my first gray pubic hair. The people in line with me at the market were not nearly as impressed as I was.