Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

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Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?


Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods


MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.


I had to break up with a guy because he told me I brought out the “best in him.” I was like wait – this is it?


My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.


I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me


[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.


I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.


When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.


Found my first gray pubic hair. The people in line with me at the market were not nearly as impressed as I was.