Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
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DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
This why you should mind your business
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.