Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
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I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
#oldknees
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
How did we not see this back then?
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it