Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
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If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Easy enough.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.