Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
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‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Sending in my taxes
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.