your elf on the shelf was delicious
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“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition