Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.

Son #2: [in bath] We did.

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.