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Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.


Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.


[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box


Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!

Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!

Parents: lol no we meant a real job.


ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
ALBUS: I can’t control them.


My fav sci-fi this year is the Bank of America ad where the 30 year old dude with a new baby has $56k in his checking account.


*hits a joint and talks with smoke in lungs*

Hey man, what if, like they infused a banana with marijuana and made a cannabananaoid?


Can’t sleep? Try calling The Overthinkers Hotline!

For failed past relationships press 1

For why your dad left press 2

For why you’re failing as a parent press 3

For general insecurities about your body and appearance press 4


me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*


The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.