I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
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I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.