@CruisinSoozan

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@MissSassy_Pants

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

@gorrdano

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

@Ygrene

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

@erichwithach

Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!

Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!

Parents: lol no we meant a real job.

@TVsCarlKinsella

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

@brockwilbur

My fav sci-fi this year is the Bank of America ad where the 30 year old dude with a new baby has $56k in his checking account.

@Mr_Kapowski

*hits a joint and talks with smoke in lungs*

Hey man, what if, like they infused a banana with marijuana and made a cannabananaoid?

@VisionBored1

Can’t sleep? Try calling The Overthinkers Hotline!

For failed past relationships press 1

For why your dad left press 2

For why you’re failing as a parent press 3

For general insecurities about your body and appearance press 4

@McGrumpenstein

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

@Laser_Cat

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.