@ilovepie84

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

- @ilovepie84

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@Littlest_Slobo

If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found the body of a missing boy by now.

@KeetPotato

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

@jojobecappin

UPS: your package arrived in your city and wiII be delivered at 4:10pm

FedEx: your package is on the way, you will get it when we get it to you

USPS: you ordered something..right?

Amazon: we’re in your house

Instagram: you were thinking about this item so heres 5 ads about it

@awescar

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

@hero_ofthenight

If I worked at Starbucks I’d pull a Napoleon Dynamite every time.

“I see you’re drinking 2%, is that because you think you’re fat?”

@TheCatWhisprer

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

@BubblesnBooze

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.