Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
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Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.