Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
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[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
worst…sale…ever
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run