Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”

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[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]


A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is


I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office


The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners


[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.


What do we want?
When do we want them?


Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.


Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.


mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd