Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Your face. There’s a bat for that.
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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
You can wear a t-shirt that says Archaeologist and just start digging holes wherever. Nobody will stop you
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*hits wall outlet
*has amazing time being electrocuted
Quickest way to get over someone? 4 wheel drive
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*