Your face. There’s a bat for that.

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Nothing says ” My divorce didn’t go as planned ” quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars


I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”


[creating a sloth]

God: Take that roadkill over there and make it blink


[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business


Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.


SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge


Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.