@charliedelta7

Your face. There’s a bat for that.

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@new_waster

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

@aniceburrito

You can wear a t-shirt that says Archaeologist and just start digging holes wherever. Nobody will stop you

@Rlpihl

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

@DoneEffedUp

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

@smerobin

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

@bombsydoll

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*hits wall outlet
*has amazing time being electrocuted

@Donnie_Fairburn

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

@Holy_Mowgli

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*