My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
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me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
why I oughta
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this