@Contwixt

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

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@jackiembouvier

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

@gingerfaced

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

@MrC2daG

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

@HomeWithPeanut

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

@ArfMeasures

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

@HatfieldAnne

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

@sarcasticmommy4

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

@HomeProbably

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects