“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
And a medium?
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
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Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
You are like snow. White. Pretty to look at. I used to like to play with you but now I’ll pay someone to get rid of you.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
“Did you guys see me get so mad I flipped a table?”
Yes Tony, we saw it. You’re 46. You have to stop taking your skateboard to restaurants.