@Contwixt

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

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@DanMentos

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

@SondraDeeMe

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

@TweetPotato314

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

@sushimonsterc

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

@trevso_electric

You are like snow. White. Pretty to look at. I used to like to play with you but now I’ll pay someone to get rid of you.

@iwearaonesie

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

@Maxine12333

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

@ItsAndyRyan

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

@wendchymes

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

@bea_ker

“Did you guys see me get so mad I flipped a table?”

Yes Tony, we saw it. You’re 46. You have to stop taking your skateboard to restaurants.