@ShellHasDragons

Your favourite character is Baby Yoda. Mine is Darth Vader. We are not the same.

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@rachelle_mandik

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

@Victoryoftheppl

Apple Maps: Our artisanal cartographers hope you enjoy this pleasant journey. 28 min

Google Maps: Our algorithm has determined an optimal path for the most efficient route given current traffic conditions. 25 min

Waze: Drive through this dude’s living room. 17 min

@GrantTanaka

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

@benharnett

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

@erinmallorylong

ANXIETY: u up?
ME: *unintelligible groan*
ANXIETY: remember that one girl you might have offended back in 2007?
ME: I’m up, I’m up.

@rebrafsim

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

@JediGigi

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?

@gavinmind

“I’m LLLLLLLLLATE!”

– Tony the Tiger’s wife