Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
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Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time