*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
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I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.