Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
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I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Good boy 😂😂
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.