Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
You Might Also Like
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
translated into Canadian
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”