“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
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obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”